Friday, December 7, 2007

In rememberance

Four years ago tomorrow I got that horrible phone call saying that my dad had died during the night. I still have moments where I struggle with the guilt I feel for not reaching out to him more in the years after I moved to Minnesota. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that he wouldn't live to see his 57th birthday. I often think of him watching Sam and Julia from Heaven. It warms my heart and helps lessen the pain of not having him here. Last year my mom gave my sisters and I ornaments that say:
I love you all dearly, Now don't shed a tear, I'm spending my Christmas With Jesus this year.
As we decorated the tree the other day, I hung that ornament nearby this one that I bought in honor of Noah. While I cried my way through a show the other night on who we'd like the chance to spend one more day with and what we would do if we only had one hour to live, I felt a peace come over me that while I won't get another day with my dad in this lifetime, he's already enjoying an eternity with Jesus. I can't help but hope he's gotten a chance to snuggle with little Noah too.

This is a hard day for me, but in little ways I feel my dad's presence - almost like I can feel his flannel shirt rubbing against my cheek as he wraps me in a hug. Two of the ornaments he gave Brian and I for Christmas one year are tucked safely in the tree, a Santa magnet on the fridge that says "Merry Christmas Carrie" makes me feel like he's saying it himself every time I pass it, Brian and I wore my dad's super warm boots when we cut down the Christmas tree and today when we went sledding. Pulling out the toboggan that I used as a child brought back many fond memories of trips to Cam-Rock Park's sledding hill. One trip down the very big hill my dad tumbled out only to have the wooden toboggan run over his head. Ouch!

On the dance floor at my wedding He cupped my face with both of his big, rough, callused hands on my face and said, "I'm proud of you". I hope that hasn't changed Dad.


Grandma Rena December 7, 2007 at 6:05 PM  

I know how hard it is to have those special memories of a loved one at Christmas time. It will be ten years ago this Christmas eve that my mom passed away. The hurt never goes away, but, now I can make it thru the holdays without having such a lump in my throat that I can hardly breath. I wish she could have met you and Sammy and Julia. She would have loved you all as much as I do. The ornament that your mom gave you comes from a poem by I believe his name is John Massey. It was given to me when my mom passed away. When you come to my house you will have to read the whole poem. Love to all of you. Rena

Jennisa - Avery and Livvie's Mommy! December 7, 2007 at 11:00 PM  

What a hard time of the year to lose someone...

That was really a beautiful post you wrote!

Killlashandra December 10, 2007 at 10:28 AM  

Sounds like a wonderful rememberance. It's a lovely soft warm image of the ornament.

Kristi December 10, 2007 at 10:04 PM  

That really WAS a beautifully written post...I am so sorry for your loss. I have enjoyed checking out your blog!! (I am Jennifer's friend!)

Kim December 10, 2007 at 10:07 PM  


This was a very beautiful, tug at the srings on your heart post. Got a lil teary eyed.

Kristin December 20, 2007 at 3:13 AM  

You sure made me cry. I feel as if all of our angels are watching us. For both of us it happens to be our Father's. Bless you and your family.

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